Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
You Might Also Like
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.