Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know