Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
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Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.