Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.