Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
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I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien