Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what is cheese if not milk persevering

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

Children of the corn 🌽

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them