Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.