Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

I support this random dude and all his protests

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!