Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
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You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
crying
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.