Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.