Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What fresh Hell is this?!?

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.