Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
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Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.