Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women

Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

ㅤ

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

ㅤ

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.