Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

Oh yeah that’s it

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

Start the year as you intend to continue.

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.