Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
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Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.