Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]