Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
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Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.