Suspicion: I don’t want to ruin our friendship.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
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[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
“You’ve put on weight”:
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating
“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:
– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service
what day is it?
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Steve: Some people call me the space cowboy.
Steve’s friends: We apologize for our friend, we actually just call him Steve.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?