[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
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The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor