[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
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Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Too easy.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
this is funnier than any friends episode
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.