Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

dude it’s called proctologist

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves