*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
