this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
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If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.