Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
boss: r u flexible this week
me: i used 2 be able 2 do a split in 4th grade i mean i could try but idk if there’s enough space in ur office
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In the Uk, 50 shades of Gray, isn’t a sexy book, it’s the weather report.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
“Do you want to go out on a date?”
*shoots friend next to him*
I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND’S FUNERAL
“WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?”
Me: I cooked it for you. It’s over there, on that teaspoon.
I really want to snuggle and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Put a ring on it
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
JESUS: today im going to walk on water
JUDAS: NO DONT–
[jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]