@holyscum

boss: r u flexible this week
me: i used 2 be able 2 do a split in 4th grade i mean i could try but idk if there’s enough space in ur office

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@NikatNiteNite

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

@kind_ofa_bitch

In the Uk, 50 shades of Gray, isn’t a sexy book, it’s the weather report.

@paul_lander

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

@MaxHooverDotBiz

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

@Epygma

“Do you want to go out on a date?”
*sweats nervously*
I C-CAN’T
“Why?”
*shoots friend next to him*
I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND’S FUNERAL

@liv_thatsme

“WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?”

Me: I cooked it for you. It’s over there, on that teaspoon.

@SweetNisCupcake

I really want to snuggle and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

@JohnFugelsang

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

@jonnysun

JESUS: today im going to walk on water
JUDAS: NO DONT–
[jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]