Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster