@DaddyJew

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

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@WhiskeyandMeds

It’s all fun and games until HR sends an email with “Your Twitter Account” in the subject line.

@UnFitz

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

@sixfootcandy

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

@SincerelyMen

If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter

@IamEveryDayPpl

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

@michaelianblack

When Pink Floyd sings, “just another brick in the wall,” it’s a little bit demeaning to bricks.

@Doughbvy

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

@fro_vo

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

@TheNYAMProject

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE