@DaddyJew

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

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@daemonic3

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

@mom_tho

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

@onume_

The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there’s an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use.

@virtualhippie

Being high in front of your parents is like trying to do your best impression of yourself.

@LaurelPlane

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

@JackoSims14

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

@tsm560

I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.

@lovemydogduck

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.