Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

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My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.


Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.


The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there’s an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use.


Being high in front of your parents is like trying to do your best impression of yourself.


My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.


Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.


Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next


I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.


I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.