Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

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It’s all fun and games until HR sends an email with “Your Twitter Account” in the subject line.


Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.


I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.


If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter


“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.


Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!


When Pink Floyd sings, “just another brick in the wall,” it’s a little bit demeaning to bricks.


SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough


MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said


Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?