Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich