Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
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*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
As per my last nervous breakdown
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
School be like
SQUARREL
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.