Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
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guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*