Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
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My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
gentlemen, hear me out
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.