Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yup

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life