Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”

2020’s guy: “yeah”

1680’s guy: “yeah”

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.