Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

This was my dad’s browser history.

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why