Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

My dog after a walk in the woods.

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly