BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
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It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
normalize having existential bread
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…