Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

Lmbo

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Good morning

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.