Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
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No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.