Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
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Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
what
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Simple enough.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Worth a try
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
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