Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

New comic up. “Ransom”

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”