Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
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Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies