Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”