Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes