Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )