Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

Glasses

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

Me, in DM rooms…

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast