Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
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“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”