Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

this is funnier than any friends episode

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey