Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.