boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
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[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma