I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
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(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
“This tweet isn’t funny yet. Welp, better remove all the commas and capital letters! Ah, PERFECTION!” –me
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Today’s 3-year-olds can unlock the smartphone and launch favorite app or music player.
What did I do in my 3-year-old? I ate sand.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Bank Robber: Put all the hand sanitizer and the toilet paper in the bag and no one gets hurt
Teller: And the money?
Bank Robber: No thanks