Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

He died doing what he loved: being alive

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

Seek kebab; not attention

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.