Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit

Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*