[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
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if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
getting seasonal up in here
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.