[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
You Might Also Like
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
trivia
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
