[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
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Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.