[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
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I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!