[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
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[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Pass gas, not judgment.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!