Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock