Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

beware of dog
(jukin media)

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

By Kate Hatos

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk