Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

asking santa clause for nudes

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

My life coach traded me.

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit