@Stellar_AF

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

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@cigarin

I don’t just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.

@KimmyMonte

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

@Tmoney68

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

@Kyle_Lippert

“I love u”
“Umm isn’t it a bit too soon to say I love you?”
“Oh ha I meant the letter U. What’s your fav u word? Mine is Unreciprocated lol”

@lisaxy424

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

@AimeeHelene1

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

@mistakeswasmade

professsor x: what’s your superpower

me: solving for variables

professor 17: oh wow

@Moldy_Jellybean

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.