Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

Oh boy, $150,000!

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.