Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
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Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.