Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This one never gets the credit it deserves

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

shakira sharkira

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

This is the best one I’ve seen

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.