Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

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They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?