Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

*jazz hands*

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

The most important meal of the day is the next one

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.