*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
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You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.