Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.