Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.