Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
every college guy’s fridge
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I didn’t come here to be called names
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
what kind of cook setting is this??
