Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
You Might Also Like
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do