BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
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Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
I just tested negative for patience.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…