BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
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Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes