Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
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How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school