Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
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Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
The news
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.