Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
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When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Thinking about Jeff
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.