Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

apparently this year was written by stephen king

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend