Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

The devil.

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

you’re so productive for your wage

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?