BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
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[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Birds & Planes.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
