Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
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Pro tip for my good boys out there
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott